When You Can't Wrap Your Head Around It

"Honey, your friend is dead"

I heard him say the words but my mind couldn't accept them.  What? No.

I was shopping for some work items when my husband called me with the news.  Waiting for details- my gut knew it was true but I just couldn't wrap my head around it.  She was my friend and my coworker.

I sat in my car for hours- unable to move.  It must be a mistake.

Trust in Him at all time, you people; pour out your hearts to Him. For God is our refuge. 

Psalm 62:8

I had just talked to her less than 24 hours before. The news didn't match up with what I knew about my friend.  Her energetic smile, concern and encouragement for others- for me- day after day...

How can this be?

Domestic violence is ugly.  When a person loses hope, it's tragic.

Immediately the could have, should have and what ifs started punishing me.

Trust in Him at all time, you people; pour out your hearts to Him. For God is our refuge. 

Psalm 62:8

Our work team is few in number but huge in heart.  We work well and enjoy our hours together. We truly care for each other. We cry over pets and kiddos.  We rejoice over weddings and grand babies.  I pray for them and they pray for me.  We talk about politics, faith and life without judgment even when we don't agree.  We love each other.  And that, is a rare and special blessing in a work setting, and one I frequently thank God for. I don't take it or our team for granted.  It's a gift.

So it was not a surprise when normally, we would all be working remotely on a Monday, that we showed up last Monday morning at the office to encourage and comfort each other and try to make sense of what.just.did.not!

When something so shocking affects us personally- I think it's normal for our minds go into overdrive.  Analyzing every word, action or lack of.  And again, the could've, should've, if I would've thoughts can easily consume so we talked each other through those and helped each other be rational. And we cried and hugged each other and stared at the empty space in our office and started grieving the empty space in our hearts.

Trust in Him at all time, you people; pour out your hearts to Him. For God is our refuge. 

Psalm 62:8

When tragic events hit so close we all have a choice in where we find refuge.  God never pushes His way into our lives.  Personally, He is my hope and my peace and my great comforter and has proven to be a faithful refuge for my hurting heart so I had nowhere to go except to Him.

Trust in Him at all time, you people; pour out your hearts to Him. For God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:8

We went together as a team to bury our friend on Friday.  She leaves a huge void to fill.  I could always count on her to eat chocolate with me when everyone else was being "healthy" and her texts in the evenings just checking on me, when she knew my day had been tough, will be so missed.  She was a great encourager and her smile each morning across from me helped me focus on the positive things instead of the negative. She was always teaching me something, mostly useless fun facts, but opening my eyes to things I didn't know.  

I'm struggling.  I'm sad.
Sleep taunts me - those darn should've, could'ves.

But I am taking refuge in God.  I've poured my heart out over and over this past week.  I've told Him I don't understand and I know that answers here will most likely never come.
I have watched up close the hurt and sadness that is affecting so, so many people because of what seems like a senseless act of violence.

Trust in Him at all time, you people; pour out your hearts to Him. For God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:8

Religion fails us in times like this, but because I have a relationship with God I can trust Him. I am finding refuge.
 - at all time- If I can't trust Him when tragedy hits then how can I truly trust Him when things are good. That would be a fake trust, wouldn't it? 

I often get settled in when life is moving along on the "normal" road and start expecting that because I love God things will be easy and always make sense.  But that's not what He told us.  

I have told you these things so that you can have peace in me.  In this world you will have trouble. But be brave! I have defeated the world!

John 16:33

So what are these things? John 16:33 recorded Jesus' final words to his disciples.

Aren't last words precious?

Jesus was giving them comfort and reassuring them; He knew that the days ahead would be really hard for them.  He was going away.  He was going to die.  Do you think it was hard for them to wrap their heads around?

Earlier in the book of John He referred to two gifts that his followers would receive,  peace and joy. But these gifts don't come without struggle (insert tragedy, trouble, heartache) - conflict with the world.

Discipleship is learning how to discover peace, when there is threat all around us.  It requires courage- be brave- take heart.  Despite our circumstances- the victory is in Jesus.  And that, my friends outweighs our troubles.

Peace-Victory in Jesus! 

- sometimes I just can't wrap my head around it but how thankful I am that it's mine!

Happy Monday y'all, I pray you find peace and victory in your trouble!