Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Just Let Me Lead.

I know how the argument started.  Pokemon'.  Saturday, we were on our way to Lynchburg for our family meeting before Elijah could be discharged.  I don't remember all the wish I could take them back words in between but I won't soon forget how it ended.

"Just let me lead you.  Trust me, I won't let you down"

I think I have been for 28 years now but my husband's words are like truth piercing my heart I realize sitting at the red light in Forest that I never have and I'm scared to trust that deep and I'm angry.

I want to celebrate the birthdays and long weekends and rose bush budding and wedding plans and the little girl who with her sweet "Grammie hold you" with arms reached up brings me joy.  And there's no time to write it or feel it because he is demanding all of me and more while the happy faces and Facebook posts seem to poke fun at me for what it feels like I am missing because I chose to love him and I'm angry.  

And instead of the day I wanted I spent 6 hours with different therapists driving from one side of town to the other to come home to his anger and defiance and my wrenched back trying to wrestle him to bed and as I try to catch my breath I hear the words again, "just let me lead you, trust me I won't let you down" and I know that is exactly what we are telling our boy who fights it because he is scared to trust that deep and I'm angry because he can't.

And I sit on the bathroom floor as guard to keep him in his room and the other brown face I love climbs in my lap- with his own salty tears he needs to tell me that he misses his "mommy"-  this child who knew her but can't remember her but the DNA connecting him reminds him there is a void and while he tells me he likes my hair and cries for her it is my cheeks he is kissing and whispering I love you Mommy in my ear.  And I hold him tight and think-  Again God? - another son searching and hurting and I'm angry at the tummy mommy.

And the fire seems hotter.

The words keep coming "just let me lead, trust ME, I won't let you down" and they are not my husbands, nor are they mine to my sons.  They are words from my God Daddy to his adopted daughter.

And He is whispering so I hear them loud.

Isaiah 43:2, When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.  When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.

And I want to trust deep.

But I don't yet.

And I remember what my son, who just hours before said to me with tears in the counselors office-  "I get angry because what's in my heart isn't always what I do"

And I understand.

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