Monday, June 9, 2014

Happiest Monday in Years!

It started really early this morning when we left around 6:50 am for a 7:30 counseling appointment for Isaiah. We got in the car and he asked, "Mommy, when is the world going to end"?

That was a big question for this Momma who hadn't yet had coffee.  Or a shower.  Or much time to think as he kept firing the questions.

I'm gonna be mad if the world ends before I get my XBox, he continued.

Why did God create Satan?  Why isn't Satan in Heaven? How many angels went with Satan?   Is he is Hell? Why did Satan want to be like God? If God is everywhere why can't I see Him? Is Hell real? How come we never go to Chuck E.Cheese's? Who else is going to Hell? What's Heaven like?  Will we get to play in heaven?  Will Grandma be old in Heaven?  Am I going to Heaven?

Now, I'm answering his questions as fast as I can and I'm remembering back to VBS last summer when he and a lot of other kids went forward to be saved.  We've watched several of those kids be baptised and tell others about their decisions, but so far neither of my boys have had too much to say since that night. And I'm remembering a lot of recent conversations in the car about God- like why does he make the storms that are scary and why on earth does He let people die.

But the question that got my heart racing the most, was when he asked me if he was going to heaven because I can never assume to know the answer to that for anyone.  So I asked him, "have you asked Jesus to be your Savior- to forgive your sins"? He said no.  I asked him if he wanted to.  He said yes.  I told him he could talk to God anywhere, anytime, even driving down the road in a car.  (I realize this goes against what some believe is appropriate praying-I used to think that too and the rules kept me defeated and depressed because I couldn't keep them all, so if that's you- take God out of the box and grab hold to the freedom and joy of the relationship, or you might miss the good stuff like the joy of the Lord) Rant over.

I asked him if wanted to pray now and he said yes.  He asked if I would help him.

What do you think I said?  uh YES!

And I did.  The ride on Route 419 between Chuck E. Cheese's and the left turn onto Apperson Drive will never be the same. I don't know if he closed his eyes, in honesty I don't remember driving anymore just leading my child in prayer and hearing that sweet voice talk to God, in the way an 8 year does.  Childlike faith- how sweet the sound.

The Bible talks about the countenance of our faces.  Check this out.  I saw his change before my eyes.

Isaiah after praying in the car, June 9, 2014

He's been grinning ear to ear today. He told his counselor right away.  He called his Daddy & Shayne. He had to Face Time Aunt Nae before he could go in at daycare.  He's been asking all day long- "who can I tell that I asked Jesus to be my Savior today?"

 More than just the ambulance driver in his play today, Coach Tim Shoemaker had to be called- reinforcing what we knew, that this man of God taught him more than just how to shoot and block in a basketball game. And how cool of God, that Pastor Jake and Mary Beth, his children's pastor at Villa Heights had already planned to visit our family this afternoon.  It was kind of fun when he made Pastor Jake guess what he did today- "I......asked........G-E.... Jesus to be my Savior"  while munching down the popcorn that is "good like God".

I don't know if he yet fully comprehends all that the free gift of salvation is. I'm still learning myself how to trust and obey so I expect he will have a lot more questions.  And if he wants to pray again, that will be okay too- because as long as he is searching, I'll keep pointing him to the cross.

The one where Jesus died-His death- the shedding of His blood alone is the payment for the great price of our sin.  Romans tells us the wages of sin is death.

There's nothing he can do, except believe.  And that oh-so-precious blood covers not just our sin- but our hurts and our fears and our pasts and our failures.  

Jesus paid it all.  All to Him I owe.  Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.

Happy Monday y'all, it is possible!

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Just Let Me Lead.

I know how the argument started.  Pokemon'.  Saturday, we were on our way to Lynchburg for our family meeting before Elijah could be discharged.  I don't remember all the wish I could take them back words in between but I won't soon forget how it ended.

"Just let me lead you.  Trust me, I won't let you down"

I think I have been for 28 years now but my husband's words are like truth piercing my heart I realize sitting at the red light in Forest that I never have and I'm scared to trust that deep and I'm angry.

I want to celebrate the birthdays and long weekends and rose bush budding and wedding plans and the little girl who with her sweet "Grammie hold you" with arms reached up brings me joy.  And there's no time to write it or feel it because he is demanding all of me and more while the happy faces and Facebook posts seem to poke fun at me for what it feels like I am missing because I chose to love him and I'm angry.  

And instead of the day I wanted I spent 6 hours with different therapists driving from one side of town to the other to come home to his anger and defiance and my wrenched back trying to wrestle him to bed and as I try to catch my breath I hear the words again, "just let me lead you, trust me I won't let you down" and I know that is exactly what we are telling our boy who fights it because he is scared to trust that deep and I'm angry because he can't.

And I sit on the bathroom floor as guard to keep him in his room and the other brown face I love climbs in my lap- with his own salty tears he needs to tell me that he misses his "mommy"-  this child who knew her but can't remember her but the DNA connecting him reminds him there is a void and while he tells me he likes my hair and cries for her it is my cheeks he is kissing and whispering I love you Mommy in my ear.  And I hold him tight and think-  Again God? - another son searching and hurting and I'm angry at the tummy mommy.

And the fire seems hotter.

The words keep coming "just let me lead, trust ME, I won't let you down" and they are not my husbands, nor are they mine to my sons.  They are words from my God Daddy to his adopted daughter.

And He is whispering so I hear them loud.

Isaiah 43:2, When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.  When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.

And I want to trust deep.

But I don't yet.

And I remember what my son, who just hours before said to me with tears in the counselors office-  "I get angry because what's in my heart isn't always what I do"

And I understand.

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