Thursday, February 20, 2014


Two weeks ago our son was admitted for Psychiatric care.  He spent 11 days in the hospital. It was the most terrifying and difficult thing I have ever done as a parent.  Knowing it was the right thing did not make it easy.

During the last few weeks we've had to accept that our eight year old son has mental illness. And while it stings and numbs and breaks our hearts there is a weird sense of relief in knowing it's more than just a naughty little kid who's being rebellious.  My son is ill and he can't control some of it.  And at the same time, he can't be allowed to rage, threaten harm to himself and defy authority.  We can't fix him but we're supposed to fix it.  Words like despair, frustration and hopelessness flood our minds while we try to learn how to parent this child who, per the professionals tell us his diagnosis will be a life-long up-hill struggle for him.

He can't control it but he has to learn to control it. Confusing.  Yep. 

And if his Daddy and I am confused---what must our son be feeling and experiencing? 

A few days before Elijah was released, I picked up this new CD.  I had no idea what it was when I bought it but now I know God directed me to it.  


The songs have been speaking encouragement to my heart for days.  Especially the lyrics for Take Another Step.  You can listen to it here

Finally, with a new diagnosis, strategies and medications he was discharged Monday. And we were ready and happy.  It felt a little like giving birth- I couldn't wait to get to the hospital and bring home a son at the same time my mind was racing with wondering how difficult and hard it might be.  

We had a few great hours- celebrating as he requested- having ice cream with friends. Isaiah was so happy- yelling "Heeeeyyyyy, Elijah's back" their hugs and smiles were something to see.  

And then, what felt like an instant we were back where we started.  Only maybe a little worse.  And our naivety of thinking something miraculous might have happened in those 11 days gives evidence to the vast knowledge we've yet to learn about loving and living with a child with mental illness. 

And I watch him struggle to belong.  Try to control his frustrations and fight his denial that he is loved and witness the sadness in his inability to feel it.  

Today, in disbelief and exhaustion I relived the longest day of my life as my angry, fragile and broken son was admitted again for inpatient psychiatric care  - and I'm paralyzed by what I can't understand and we're afraid to move because what if we move the wrong direction.  And we don't know what to do.  

except take another step.  and another step.  and another step. 

Because this place where we are, my sad little boy and the family that loves him, feel like the lights have gone out we have nothing to hold onto. 

except- the promises God has made to him and me..and you. 

Isaiah 30:21- Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way, walk in it

---that's the voice I want my son to hear.  that's the voice I desperately need to hear. 
and I believe and I doubt and my heart is chipping off piece by piece inside my chest for my son who I would lay down my life for and I need him to feel it and know it 
but no matter how much I pray and hurt for him I am learning with each breath that I am not in control of this.  I didn't make it and I can't fix it.  

And there are two other sons I would lay down my life for that need me too.  And trying to figure it all out is bigger than me.

So grabbing hold of the promises is all I have.  And trusting Him no matter what.
And fearing that I might not.  But I have to.  What if I can't.  But I must. 

And in my back and forth I have to believe that God will finish what he has started. 

Psalm 55:10-11 - For as the rain comes down and the snow from heaven, and do not return there but water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater.  So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.

Thanks for partnering with us in prayer for this child who God loves more than I can. 

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