Wednesday, February 8, 2012

A Need to Know; Permission to Forget.

Isaiah had to be at the church earlier than his brother for basketball so we were enjoying some 1:1 time.  I don't know what it is about getting my boys in the car with me alone that triggers questions about where they came from.  I should be used to it by now, but Mommy T. conversations still catch me off guard.

He was talking so softly I almost didn't hear him ask the question.

"Mommy, did Mommy T. cry when I came out of her tummy?"
knowing this could go many directions, I decided to ask a question of my own.
Do you mean cry because it hurts to have a baby or cry because she was happy?

"cry because hers was happy"

I assured him, that even tho I was not there, I was pretty sure she did in fact cry because she was happy. I told him I was sure, because I was a mommy who had in fact had a baby come out of my tummy too, and that makes mommies really happy, and happy mommies usually cry.

"and did her hold me when I was sleeping..... cause her loved me"

yes, baby- she held you while you were sleeping.  yes, she loved you.

He tells me all the time- remember when I was in your tummy?  I remind him he wasn't in my tummy.  He quickly moves to... remember when you held me and I slept.  remember when I sucked your chin.  remember.....

Elijah has asked about Mommy T (their birth mother) for a long time now, but this is the first direct question Isaiah has asked me. He is five- but still needs to know where he came from. Needs to know he was loved before.

Two days later Elijah was riding in the car with me. 

"Mommy, should I forget about Mommy T. or should I remember her?"

I wish I was better prepared for these questions. 

I answer him, 
I think it's good to remember her.  She's your tummy mommy and you love her, and she ......before I could finish my answer, he asked

"should I only think about her on Sunday?"

I want to tell him to forget. I know remembering brings him pain.  I know forgetting her brings him pain. 

I answer him.
I think it's okay, when she pops in your head to remember, but okay if she doesn't pop in your head.  You don't have to feel bad if you don't remember her every day. 

Isaiah piped up and added "She never pops in my head"- but we know that isn't true, don't we. 

I don't have all the right answers.  I do know my boys need to know that I'm not going anywhere.  So I remind them of that constantly- in words and in pictures.  And we will heal, one question at a time.  
we took this picture recently so Elijah could carry it with him
to look at when he feels sad and lonely

Been there?  Please share how you've answered similar questions.

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