Does He Know?

he's been really angry the last few weeks.  it builds until eruption.  i get my feelings hurt. you can't talk to me that way, i tell him.  he cries.  i cry.  i pick him up and rock him.  i tell him i'm sorry.  i apologize for things i did not do.  i apologize for things i cannot control.  i remind him how when he was a baby and i would sit by his crib and pray and cry- how he would ask if i was crying, and then ask me why.  i would tell him because i was scared that i wouldn't get to be his forever mommy.  i whisper that i'm sorry i get mad.  i whisper that i'm sorry he is so mad.  i whisper that i love him.   i always will love him.  i whisper we will get through this together, as i scream out to God, silently scream for God to help me.  i need His grace.  i need His strength. i got what i prayed for, and i fear i can't be all my son needs me to be. we rock.  we hug.  we cry together, again.  the light is barely creeping in through the cracked door.  i look down and see tears hanging from those gorgeous long eyelashes.  i kiss his cheeks.  he sighs a deep, sleeping sigh.  i enjoy the quietness of cuddly my son. 

does my son know

that every time he says "i want another mommy" it knocks the breath out of me
that when i leave him crying, i usually cry too
that i would give anything to take away the pain of his memories
that i feel like a failure when i yell at him
that i am here, to walk with him through his fears
that his arguing with me makes me crazy
that i pray for his mommy t.
that his fear of me going away is unfounded
that the rages will not scare me off
that my heart hurts when he tells me i'm mean
that i pray over him when he's sleeping
that i know the first 5 minutes he is awake, what kind of day we're going to have
that i hate myself when i get hooked by him and react out of anger
that the memories don't have to haunt him forever
that Jesus died for him- all of him; his sins, his fears, his failures, his disappointments, his hopes.
that even when i want to have a pity party and feel sorry for myself, for how he treats me, that i will keep loving him, no matter what.
that i am blessed to be his mommy, his mean mommy, his forever mommy.

en·dur·ance   
–noun

1. the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships, etc.
2. the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina:
(Dictionary.com)



1000 Gifts #376

This week, I am especially thankful for endurance- God's gift to me, so that I can continue through the trials of uncharted mothering that He has ordered for me, these trials that remind me I am nothing without Him, my strength is through Him, and He is my Hope!

What 'ya thankful for?