Saturday, March 26, 2011


control- to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.
Random House Dictionary 2011

I am a control freak.  (sorry mom, the word just fits)
Last weekend at Sizzle, I learned  my core fear is being out of control, or helpless.  Not a shock to anyone who knows me.  I need to control.  I feel safe when I'm in control.

Years ago, it became clear there would be things I just couldn't control- like becoming pregnant.  You'd think I would have learned to just let things go then and trust God, but I didn't.  

This week has been frustrating for me, I have felt helpless over many things.  Things like: 
  • the IRS, and why they have put our refund on hold, pending receipt of documentation we stapled to our return 
  • kindergarten teachers
  • teenage choices 
  • the return of winter weather 
  • horrible things we keep finding out that our boys endured, before we even knew them 
With each phone call, letter, report and revelation I get that feeling in my core.  The feeling that I may explode.  The need to give direction.  Yet, I can't.  I cannot change any of these things. 

I've been told of equally frustrating struggles this week,  from people in our lives. And as I learn about situations that they would like to have controlled, or have re-do's on, I felt that same explosive feeling.  Why?
Why does God allow a mother to experience the death of not one, but two daughters.  Or, why a young daughter has to bury her mother.  

If I didn't know God, I'd throw up my hands and blow.  But, I do know God.  I know a sovereign God who loves me, and you.  He loves all of us.  And, when things don't make sense and I foolishly think sometimes I might could do it better,  I do know that I can't.  I know that I see things in pieces of time, but God sees the whole timeline.  I see pieces of the puzzle, God has the puzzle worked already, and worked out for what will bring glory to Himself.

So, when my gut is burning and the frustration is rising, I turn to promises of scripture to calm me down.  In the serious, and not so serious like my son's choice of bedtime footwear... sigh.

it is all God's, and he has it under control.

Proverbs 16:9
A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.

Isaiah 42:16
I will bring the blind by a way they did not know; I will lead them in paths they have not known.  I will make darkness light before them, and crooked places straight.  These things I will do for them, and not forsake them.

Are you a control freak, too?  Let's try again and give it back it back to God.  Now, I know I'll have to give it back over and over and over.  And so will you.
He will direct our steps, and not forsake us.  Even on those days when it feels like maybe He has.

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