Thankful for comical direction...

It was hard to get up this morning.  My throat is sore, my head hurt, my nose stopped up- and.... my little man elbowed me in the head all night.  I was tired.  And, a little grumpy. 

Since Rex was off today, he took the boys to school.  I helped get them dressed and fed; but didn't have to deal with the melt down just before walking out the door- so it's almost like a mini vacation :)

I was zoning a bit; as I exited 581 for downtown--- traffic was standing still.  ugh!  Light out- so there was a police officer directing traffic.  I didn't pay him much attention at first- I had a few cars ahead of me, so I wasn't going anywhere.  I ate my 0 Plus Points banana, and then noticed him.  The police officer.  He was actually having fun. 

Waving his arms
Making eye contact
Creating motions
Spinning around
Teasing the motorists
Smiling

SMILING--- on a cloudy Monday morning. Really- he was smiling. 

I kept watching him, and it wasn't long until I was smiling.  And thinking about the choice he had this morning.  To do what had to be done- muddle through with the same old boring motions- or to spice it up a bit, and enjoy it.  I'm pretty sure there isn't a rule about having to smile and bring joy to directing traffic- but he did. 

He inspired me.  And, I was again convicted about my lack of joy as I go about my day.  So, I'm going to try and bring some fun, some comic relief to my day.  Who knows, I might inspire somebody else to smile, too.

So, as my thankful list continues, definitely topping it off today with...

the happy policeman who directed my way this morning
loosing weight, ever so slowly
my BFF's good report from the Dr.
teacher apologies
God using people to remind me I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing
a son old enough to grill steaks, and do it well
the subtle smile on the same son's face, knowing we are eating what he hunted and killed
answered prayers
watching my sons play on the hill
picnic on the tailgate- at the park- on a Sunday afternoon
the smile on Elijah's face, when he realized I would fight for him
new shoe racks
rainy Mondays

job security - even if it causes me stress
new filing cabinet- to move piles into proper places...
fresh blueberries in warm oatmeal
God's continued provision
knowing I don't have to face any more than today
walking into to work with a friend- and the 5 minute chat that we are too busy for during the day
my husband- who keeps loving me----- more
mocha frappe
HOPE...





What ya thankful for?

Movin' on... (past the mad)

I was getting ready for work Friday morning, and I heard

"ooooooo,  sooooooooo angry"

for a minute, I thought it was my conscious, but then realized Isaiah was going potty and studying the counter top items..

I knew Friday would be big for us.  I just prayed.

We met with the principal first.  Went well.  She apologized and agree the line crossing incident shouldn't have happened.  Then we were joined by his teacher and the special ed teacher.  We confronted.  We discussed.  We disagreed, a bit.  We (Rex and me) won.  At least this battle.  We have some specific things they will do in the future.  And several that they won't do again. 

The teacher apologized.  She meant well, but still crossed a line.

I later told Elijah that we had been to the school that day.  He thought we were mad at him.  I assured him, this momma bear was mad at the teacher, and not him.  That she made some bad choices.  I reminded him that, like I promised I would always protect him, and do what was best for him.  That nobody could mess with my baby bear cubs.  He seemed happy.  We talked about some things he should expect in the future.  I'll be checking.

And then, we got to move on with our weekend.  And it was pretty good. 

finishing it off in concert.

Thanks to everyone who has sent me e-mails, stopped me in a hallway at church or at the gym on Saturday, posted on my facebook, texted or called.  It is such an encouragement to know that people care, identify with us and have survived what we are living through now. 

Guess that is why God tells us to bear one another's burdens.  Thanks for sharing ours. 

Oh, just one more thing.  To all of you who keep telling me you read my blog----please feel free to officially "follow" me.  Professional bloggers need followers, and I'm praying God opens this door one day. 

Excuse me, you did WHAT?

I don't get mad too often- at least not really M A D! 

But here I am.  In this place of anger.  I know what you're thinking-  God said not to be angry.
No, what He says is...

Ephesians 4:26- Be angry and do not sin.  (or Robin's translation- keep control)
So I'm being really careful.

I'm new to this special needs education parent role.  Every time I think things are settling down, upheaval.  I am learning alot, much faster than I prefer to take information in.  And we're only in Kindergarten.

It's a bit exhausting, hearing from the school everyday. The sarcastic notes. The phone calls. My son's tears and dread.  We are learning to deal with that.  But is my son really the first child in her 20 something years of teaching that hasn't completed his work during the day. Needs to learn personal space. Requires a little 1:1 instruction. Likes attention. Encourages others to sing.  Can't remember all his sight words on command. Needs to practice counting to 100.  Talks when she turns her back.  Misses his mommy during the day.  Gets bored.


We know he is high maintenance- we live with him. Because we live with him, we know what works. Forcing him into a mold, because "her classroom" has a reputation to uphold, will not work.  He will not be forced to be someone he isn't. 


It was so easy with Shayne.  Never heard a peep from the school until his 3rd grade year.  (doesn't everybody has trouble in 3rd grade?) Then, not another peep until his freshman year.  Minor- he was tardy to 1st period five times.  Minor, I would say.  We knew what was going on, we were involved but school was school and home was home and there was no intermingling of the two.

Maybe it is just different because in the last 10 years, society decided that 5 year olds need to be smarter, faster.  If I hear "Kindergarten is the new first grade" one more time I might scream.  I believe in education.  Reading, and writing, and  even  "sight words" have a place.  But it sure feels like the focus in this Kindergarten classroom is a bit intense.  

I suspect that this isn't really about my son, or his behavior.  It's about control.  His teacher's lack of control in making him fit into the mold she believes he should be in.   

here's the line _________________________________
yesterday, she crossed it.

Excuse me- you did WHAT? 
And you think that's okay because?????

ohhhhhh I'm teetering, but in control.
Wait, I think I raised my voice to her.  Oh man, is that sin? 

I am now having flashbacks to all the comments, remarks and notes that have caused our stomachs to knot  a bit since September.  The conversations I've had with my son; and then in following up with the school being told he was exaggerating, or mis-understood, or even that he is not being truthful.  hmmm.  And now I'm wondering exactly what my son may be enduring during the day- since these outbursts are never "observed." Is he getting his needs- the ones his  teacher and school personnel identified and agreed to, met?  Or is he just getting a hard time. 

I don't have the option of pulling him out of school, tho that's what my heart desires. Instead, I am again searching and googling and trying to figure out what I need to do to best advocate for my son. 

We have a meeting with the principal tomorrow.


I hate confrontation.  But, since menopause and me became such good friends, I am much less fearful of it.

So watch out Roanoke County,  here comes one MAD momma!

ONE

One is the loneliest number...

Unless you're in a room full of people loosing weight- then 1 lb. in 1 week is not so bad. 

Of course, Rex showed me up- he lost 8.8 lbs. to my single pounder, but I was still good with that.  I have said all week, as long as I loose something, I'd be happy. 

I even wore jeans to weigh-in, which I was told after the fact was a bad idea since that can make a 2-3 lb. difference.  When the leader told me that, I offered to take them off, but she informed me that was against their standards :)

I was so happy with the loss, I decided to forgo the celebratory cheeseburger I had been craving, and opt for a salad with chili for dinner.

I continued to be excited, until I saw the billboard entering I581 congratulating Ellie for her 3lb weight loss this week.  I wouldn't be bitter, except------Ellie

-------------------------------
she's a dog.

BTW... I decided to weigh my jeans- just for fun! 

           1.6 lbs baby!!!!

Adoption Thanks...

I was privileged to get to share a testimony during half-time Saturday at a couple of the basketball games.  It was a no-brainer when Pastor Lane asked me.  Anytime I get a chance to tell about the awesome things God is doing in my life- and how He blesses us- I'm all over it.  Here's a recap, just because I can. 

Adoption brings different pictures to different people's minds.  Since we are a trans-racial adoptive family- it brings added dimension. It's fun when we go to pick up our boys from a new place and they are the last ones to be picked up- the relief on the caregivers faces when they call out Mommy or Daddy.  It's not so fun, when they are screaming for the other parent- and the policeman at Disney follows us around until it become clear that they really do belong to us.  I usually chuckle when people ask, "Oh, where'd you get 'em" like we picked them out in the Kid aisle while shopping at Kroger.  The assumption is usually Africa, and I enjoy saying- no, right here in Roanoke City.  We believe opening our home and hearts to foster/adoption was in direct obedience to God.  And we didn't think we could tell God that we'd obey, but only if we got a perfect child.  We prayed for over a year, that God would bring the right kid to our home.  The call came at 3:30 in the afternoon- I was sitting at my desk at work when the phone rang.  TWO BABIES? YES! We thought because they were 6 & 18 months old at the time, it would be easy.  NOT! The chaos began right then, and it has never stopped.   I learned quickly not to judge other people.  Our reality is so different than what people perceive our reality to be.  There are screams, fits, rages, tear and tantrums every day.  If it isn't one of my boys, I make sure I throw one.  :) We still carry our kids alot, and often have people tell us to "put that boy down, he's too big to be carried."  They don't know that we are making up for lost time because my boys weren't held, picked up, fed, rocked and nurtured during the critical early months of their lives.  They had a traumatic beginning and it is taking years to overcome.  I asked Shayne Friday morning, what was so different for him since adopting his brothers.  He replied "our home isn't peaceful anymore"  I had no argument- it was true.  In many ways our family is in a war.  My boys are driven by fear and anger, and their need to control everything!  I am trying to gain their trust, by loving them unconditionally.  Isn't that how it is with us, as adopted kids into God's family.  We - I fight him everyday.  He tells me He loves me - but I don't believe Him and I fight.  I want to control my circumstances, because I am afraid of what I don't know.  I don't trust God fully.   I will love my boys today, tomorrow, a year from now, 10 years from now.  There isn't anything they can do to stop me from loving them.  So I have to believe that because God promised His love to me, there is nothing I can do to stop God from loving me.  Or stop loving you.  So, where are you?  Are you already adopted into God's family? Do you trust His love for you, or do you fight for control too? Maybe you've been His child for a really long time, and the world is telling you to get down, you're too big to be carried.  They may not know your story, your history, your beginning.  Let Him carry you! 

Lamentations 3:31-24
This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope.  Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed.  Because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.  The LORD is my portion, says my soul, Therefore I hope in Him!  The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him.

No matter what your journey is, He will carry you.  There is hope. 
I know we couldn't do this, if it weren't for God's strength, God's hope. He carries me everyday.

What do you think of when you hear the word adoption?
I can tell you what it is for us:

• Adoption is a Blessing!
• Adoption is a High Calling!
• Adoption is Worth Every Minute!

Do you have an adoption story? I'd love to hear it- send me a comment or an email. 

In addition to being thankful for my journey, the list goes on....





clearance rack jeans in my size
$10 Cash on a $10 purchase at JCPenney
long, uninterrupted conversations with Rex
Nerf darts, all washed and clean found in dryer- reminding me of fun in my home
testimonies of God's grace
meeting new people, who share our island experiences
a date with my teenage son- and the great talk we had
brown bodies, bright white eyes greeting me in the darkness
strong husband hands holding mine
waking up to a back rub 
head on collision- avoided last second
sunlight bouncing off the bathtub
difficult decisions that didn't have to be made
a Sunday afternoon play date for Elijah & Isaiah-their first
dinner with family we haven't seen in a while



What 'ya thankful for?

Mom Time.

Don't tell Shayne, but we had a mom-son date this morning. 

I was off from work so we had some 1:1 time today.  We started with breakfast at Subway.  I really wanted bacon and eggs and pancakes and a mocha frappe from McDonald's, but Subway has all those veggies that are zero WW points.  :)

In addition to the egg white and tomato flat bread sandwich (yum?) I ate up every single eye-to-eye glance.  I sipped on coffee and drank in every word he had to say.   I enjoyed just being-with him.

I am so proud of him.  I try to remember to tell him, again- so he will believe me.
He asked me why.  And, while I could list a hundred ways, I just name a few:  

he thinks long-term
he is compassionate
he is funny and fun to be with
most days, he is wise beyond his years
he works hard
he is who he is, and doesn't care what the world thinks of him
he loves his brothers- even tho' they irritate the snot out of him
and, isn't he just the cutest guy ever?

We talked about important things.  Things from the past, that have shaped him into the man he is becoming.  Things to come.  His dreams and aspirations. We talk about the Military.  I've known,  since he was 6, that I should probably start preparing my heart.  He would dress up in his camo, grab his BB gun and exclaim, "I'm going to die for my country some day."  Every time, I immediately correct him "you're going to serve your country."

I have fears.  He is fearless. 

We talk about his brothers.  I confess my failures in giving him equal time. He tells me he doesn't need attention.  I know he does.   I ask him what is most different for him since adopting two little brothers- "our house isn't peaceful anymore."  To that, I can't argue.

I try to remember the last time we talked without interruption for an hour or more. It was sweet. It was peaceful.

I crave more.

We leave Subway and he chauffeured me to the salon.  His haircut, not mine.  He asks my opinion- I enjoy being invited into his decisions.

I know just how precious these moments are.  This thing, my baby transforming into a man is happening way to fast.

I know I am blessed.

Last stop is dropping him off at the church- he's headed to the woods to shoot with his hunting buddy. 

Thanks Shayne for a great morning- I love you to the moon and stars and back- AGAIN.

And no, you can't have him.

Wordless Wednesday- They must have known I was coming.

ME- do him good.

This is a picture of my NKJV bible. 

Proverbs 31 to be exact. 

Since I was a teenager, I have loved this passage.

The virtuous woman...

 worth more than rubies- children rise up and call her blessed-

oh my children are rising up and calling me - oops, never mind! 

like the merchant ships (hmmm- I'm getting as big as one)

no fear for her household (this probably needs some work too- that's for later) 

clothed with strength and dignity.

laughs at the days to come- HA HA HA

  I wannabe her.

I most likely will never be. 

I keep trying.

Proverbs 31:11-12 NIV

Her husband has full confidence in her, and lacks nothing of value, she brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

One of the ways I fail to measure up to the incredible standard she set, is in doing my husband good.  I have funny stories I have shared about failing in this area. 

I have shared publicly and led bible studies trying to encourage women to do their husbands good too.

I won't say I don't like this verse. 

(how can I say I don't like God's word)

I can say, I don't like how I fail at this command

there is no but. 

there is no unless.

there is no if.

Just- do him good.

and do it all my days. 

what if he isn't meeting my needs -- oops, that's a but

what if he is rude---oops, that might be unless

what if--- oops, that's an if

No dependencies. 

I continue to be convicted of this time and time and time and time again. 

I keep getting caught up in the buts, unless' and ifs.  It seems to me that my doing him good should depend on how he is doing at the "love her like Christ loved the church command" 

And isn't it my job to remind him of that "love her" command too. 

 NOT & NO!

So here I am again-- telling God I'm sorry.  Sorry that my love can't trust me always to do what is best for him, and not do what feels best for me. Sorry for disobeying God's command.

But it's haaaaarrrrd and it's not fair (oh, is that whining, I guess it is) 

I will keep trying, because I so want to be her. 

I'm a P31 wannabe! 

Love and Thankfulness...

Valentines Day. 

For so many years, I dreaded this day.  In high school, it was the day I was most reminded of how lonely I felt.  I didn't have a sweetie.  I watched the glances, the winks, the smiles.  I envied. 

I grew up.  I met my Valentine.  We glance, we wink, we smile. I am most thankful that he loves me, and I love him.  I'm thankful that our love endures- not like the high school romances that ended so often in teenage heartache.  A mature love.  A devoted love.  A "worth it" love.   We will do whatever it takes.. for however long God gives us to be man and wife.  We sometimes miss the "nuggets of gold" and get caught up in the mess.  But, at the end of the day, he is my Valentine and I am his. 

But more than Rex's love, there is a greater love that I have found.  

John 3:16-  For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him will never perish, but have everlasting life.

Oh my goodness. The love of God.  It is impossible to count the ways He loves us. The more I think I know of him, the more I know I haven't come close to fully understanding the depth of His love. 

So on this day focused on love and loving,  how can I not be thankful for the love of my God Daddy, and the love of my man.  And, then there is the love of my sons.  I am lonely no more!

And the thankful list goes on...

100 Kindergarten days under our belts

 
 
 
 
 
 
Brothers having fun together
 
Finding a child's artwork tucked away

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Peanut Butter & Peach Preserves sandwiches at midnight
 
Being able to remind myself that my screaming child- is a living, breathing gift from God
 
Chocolate Cake (in bed)
 
A mid-week, middle child melt-down free morning
 
Bubbling dinner on the stove
 
IRS finally posting required tax forms
 
The forgiveness of my children 
 
Fist-bumps with my 4 year old
 
The way Isaiah writes his name

Homemade lasagna brought to my house for Sunday lunch
 
Conversation and Coffee with two of my favorite people who just happened to bring the lasagna :)
 
Time to paint my fingernails
 
Swept and mopped kitchen, foyer & bathroom floors
 
Having Chocolate pie with my niece for her birthday
 
The fun of sharing mom stories with my niece, because we just happen to both be raising young children at the same time
 
Spring Break plans confirmed
 
Extra hugs, kisses & " I love Yous" from my boys on Valentines Day.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
What 'ya thankful for?
 
 

50+ here I come

It was just a matter of time. 

At least that's what the little old ladies used to tell me when I was 6, 10, 13, 12, 16, 22.  "You just wait until you get older, you'll see"  They were referring to my weight, or lack of it.  Skin and bone is what they used to call me.  

Bitter!

That's what I called them.

Jealous- yep that too.

Just because they weren't skinny didn't mean I was doomed to join the  "big-boned" club when I got to be old like them.


I was never a size 0, or 2, 4 or even 6; but I was happy with my size.  (personally, I think they have begun to put lower sizes on clothes intentionally  just make us feel better.  Size 6 is the new size 2.

I'm not bitter. 
I'm not a 6.

I am a bit dizzy trying to figure out what happened?

Since my eating habits/exercise habits/life habits have not changed since I was like, 10- I have only one explanation.  Only one reason for my explosion of wisdom.  (read early blogs for explanation)

MENOPAUSE!

I distinctly remember telling my doctor, before the anesthesia for my hysterectomy kicked in, that I was a weeee bit worried that the surgery might cause me to gain weight. (I had read articles and heard stories- and all those bitter, jealous old ladies had hysterectomies, I'm sure)

And my fears were confirmed, when she handed me an article on "Weight gain after 40"  I knew then I was in trouble for sure.  Especially, since this was 4 weeks after my surgery and I had already gained 10 lbs. 

Ugh, Menopause!

While I am not bitter  :) really, I'm not. Wisdom continues to grow around my middle.  Soooo, I signed up for Weight Watchers today.  Yes indeed, me and my man are going to loose weight, together. So, soon we will start going on special dates----- to weigh in. Romantic isn't it? I know you're jealous.


But what a shock to find out, my wisdom weighs 50 lbs.  WHAT?  50 lbs.  


My name is Robin Allen and I need to loose 50 lbs.


It's so depressing, I should probably eat a donut or something.

I am a little excited about hitting the 50; I remember like it was yesterday, Rex getting a really cool magnet when he lost 50 lbs.  I love magnets.  (maybe I'll take his magnet and pretend)  No, that won't work, I'll still be fat. 

I'm always looking for the bright side, so I'm pretty happy the new Points Plus system gives me "splurge" points every week.  I'm thinking this will be used on something chocolate.  Willpower has never been one of my spiritual gifts.

I'm sure I'll have lots of really cool things to share with you as I begin this adventure.  An adventure I never really wanted to embark upon; but, when I am smokin hot and a size 6,   I am pretty sure I'll be glad for the journey.

Now, I have to go take a before picture and start cleaning out the snack cabinet.

http://www.weightwatchers.com/index.aspx

Eruption.

There is a volcano on my island.

Wordless Wednesday- Bubble Blowing 101

Gratitude Continued

So much to be thankful for, like






Ann's book
time to read the first chapter

Sister Time....

brothers who look like sisters



 

and taking comfort in each

the nice lady who overheard our desperation  during intermission at the Circus; and offering for her son to escort Isaiah into the men's room avoiding the 50+ women in front of us

Psalm 145:14

shelves tall enough for my cereal boxes

fragrant smell of shampoo when hugging people I love

real communication with my man

lifetime memberships

watching the circus through my son's eyes, and hearing it through their comments

HOT donuts now

meeting work deadlines and the brief sense of relief while preparing for the next

the wonderfully awful sound of my children singing along to the radio

long honest chats with my sister

my middle son's increased confidence on the basketball court

patient Teri when I can't make up my mind

Christmas presents in February

starting my week with my laundry CAUGHT UP! 

$10 extra reward bucks from CVS

50degree February afternoons

Titus 1:2- God cannot lie, His promises are true

"I love you mommy" just because

finding a show on Netflix that my teenager wants to watch with me

anticipation of getting to see my Daddy soon- Tennessee here we come

seeing "IMPORTANT, this changed my life" written in the margins of my sons bible

what 'ya thankful for today?



Escalate!

Disclaimer---- for all of you who keep calling me a saint, I am pretty sure you need to stop right here! This will most definitely blow your perceptions to pieces.

As happens frequently with my middle child, any "no" sends him into a tailspin.  Such was the case Friday morning.  Since the issues with riding the bus keep mounting, I was driving him to school.  I got almost to the car rider line when it began. 

No, you can't play with your DS this morning... and as I explained why, he lost it. 
He started yelling "I don't like you mommy- I WANT ANOTHER MOMMY..You're mean! I don't want you to be my mommy.. I want my other mommy!  (mental picture yet?)

My mind quickly flashed to the advice given to us after a particularly rough few weeks.  "Escalate with him" and see what happens. I had nothing to loose, I tried it. 

While maintaining two hands on the steering wheel for safety :) and only turning my head briefly - I began to scream back at him.     

YOU DON'T GET ANOTHER MOMMY!  I LOVE......

he began to scream louder- I DON'T WANT YOU- I WANT ANOTHER MOMMY! 

i screamed louder- I LOVE YOU AND I'M NOT LEAVING!  I'M THE LAST MOMMY ON THE MOMMY TRAIN  (what, did I really just say that)  YOU DON'T GET ANY MORE!  IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU ARE ANGRY OR MEAN OR MAD OR SAD- I STILL LOVE YOU AND I'M NOT LEAVING!  YOU DON'T GET ANY MORE MOMMIES!  

he started to calm a bit- I calmed a bit but continued to reinforce what I know he fears will never be...

I love you and I'm not leaving!!!! I'm sorry you are mad, and I know you are scared and you miss Mommy T- and I am sorry she is not here, that isn't fair.  It makes me sad too.  But I AM HERE, AND I LOVE YOU AND I AM NOT LEAVING, EVER!  No more mommies, E.  I'm it!

he hung his head and through his sobs replied "yes ma'am"

What?
"yes ma'am"
sounds so official.  It wasn't what this mommy wanted to hear;  but probably an appropriate response to a screaming mad woman.

I have now  pulled the screaming van into the funeral home parking lot, and set off the other son's sensory issues.  That boy doesn't handle loud noises, which includes screaming.  He is now in full blown tizzy with us- screaming  a mix of "I want daddy, where's daddy" and "why are you parking here, this isn't school"

add to your mental picture the dude walking by, 'bout broke his neck.  I'm guessing his mom forgot to tell him about staring.  I give him a nod.
I decided to interrupt life to help heal my son.
E. climbed between the seats and into my lap.  I held him close and I could feel his body relax.  He patted my shoulder as I whispered in his ear- I love you, and I will love you always.  It's okay to be mad.  He whispered back- I love you too, mommy.  I squeezed him tight.

We got our composure, and found our way back into the car rider line.  The youngest was very relieved. 

Apparently escalation is good for the soul- E. had his first great day at school for the week- kept his smiley faces and didn't get in trouble one time.

I expect you are thinking- screaming at your kids. 
I'm just not sure that's appropriate, or necessary or even nice. 
Why on earth would you ever do that? 
I'll tell you why.
The following is a raw look into our lives.  I only share because I am aware that some of the people reading my blog are experiencing similar challenges.  We don't know each other, but as adoptive parents we can encourage each other, we are not alone.   And others who have shared your desire to adopt.  What a blessing ahead, but don't be fooled.  The day to day is not for the faint of heart; it is easily the hardest thing I've ever done.  So, this is not a pity-party, nor is it intended for you to think I'm anybody special.  Rex and I chose this and we cherish it.
But, it is what it is. 
And what it is, is how we got to the point of escalating.


.....these are my mom thoughts, written the morning of January 13

i hate you- i want to kill you -i don't care if you are sad

mighty powerful words being hurled at me from my 5 year old- and it isn't the first time.  the verbal assaults are mounting; as if he is figuring out he doesn't have to hold back- he can say whatever.

in my rational mind, i can reason that this isn't personal.  but i am human, and even us mom's get hurt too, i can't help but cry.

does my crying give him more power- does he truly understand what is taking place?  i try to hold back. 

we move on- i take the toys out of his backpack- as i promised i would for not obeying- partly why the attack began.  he begs forgiveness.  i'm sorry mommy.  i love you mommy.

i love you too, E. 

i have to love him, i want to love him, he's my son.  but it is difficult to unconditionally love when being verbally battered.

i carry him to the bus stop, hold him close as we wait for the bus. he doesn't see my tears falling; i can't see his until i put him down and kiss him goodbye.  he climbs on the bus, and once again he is leaving for school an emotional wreck.  and once again, i just want to pull him off the bus and reassure him again that i love him- how do i interrupt life to heal my son?  i don't have that figured out yet,  and in honesty there is part of me that is relieved  he is on his way, and i can now relax a bit.  i begin to sob.  

walking back to the house, carrying my 4 year old, i am left to replay the multiplying incidents in my mind. and there is the worry about where is the line in letting him release all that has built up inside him, ready for explosion and teaching him that words are powerful, hurt and once said can never be taken back. 

i'm a big girl and i know his history, but what about other people? how do i teach him this? 

how do i forgive such a young child for hurting my feelings and not hold a grudge  how do i press on, when the uncertainty and fear that this may never end looms with each assault?

i am his sounding board.
i am the target of his frustrations. 
i am his safe place. 

i will press on, because that is what i am called to do.
i can press on because Jesus is my anchor of hope.
i go through nothing, that He didn't bear on the cross for me.
talk about hurling verbal assaults. He is my strength; and in Him, i can put my trust.

and when all else fails, the 3 HOT Krispy Kreme donuts doesn't hurt either  :)

Circus! Circus!

I surprised Isaiah & Elijah with a trip to the circus. 

 It was especially fun when the night before  Elijah told us at dinner
" I wish we were rich and we could go to the Circus and get cotton candy" 
I smiled and got down right excited knowing that he would be there the next day.

It was also a great threat to encourage good behavior at Target, too.  

Two small kids......brothers

Two adults.......sisters

Oh what fun we had. 

Aunt Nae and Elijah- best bud's for the afternoon

Really wanted to ride the elephants!

People throwing money away

Light Sword!

yes- this is the "flush" button on the wall.... 5-6 trips to bathroom and everytime, this button impressed my boys.

Bo the Amazing Elephant

  I was a bit concerned when the cheerleader came out first and Elijah commented she should wear more clothes, then the Extreme Bicyclist joined her so the focus was no longer on her lack of clothes.

Cotton Candy before...

and after- pure sugar dripping from his mouth

Yes, Elijah got one too

boys were afraid of the clowns-- but not me.

lights lights lights

one of my favorites- he's holding her by his teeth.... impressive.

Ring Master- 6 outfit changes - hmmm, I wonder if I could pull off this look

I was unable to capture pic's of the 70+ grandpa- happily studying and playing with the light-up butterfly wand

or the multiple spilt sno-cones (on the steps)

or the very sad faces of the many adults- left to save seats

or the tigers- since we were taking another potty break

more elephants- Isaiah really liked them

I think I could do this... don't you?

I caught myself praying several times- especially with the motorcycle acts- asking God to protect them from harm.  It was purely selfish- I wasn't sure how I'd explain the crash and burn; and potential death right in front of my children's eyes. 

No disasters.  A good day! 

Thanks Aunt Nae for joing us in our chaos, and for keeping our seats safe on our many, many trips to the potty! 

He cannot lie!

What a week.  So much I wanted, uh-hmm, needed to do this week.  There just didn't' seem to be enough time in the day.  And, with much of my - not at work time-  spent filling the emotional love bank for my kids I had a hard time justifying hanging out on the computer.  The 'want to do ' stuff  had to wait.

Unfortunately, that included my memory verse.  It's been on my mind, but I'm just now getting time to share with my cyber friends. For you newbies to my blog, I'm taking the Siesta Challenge with Beth Moore and committing to learn 24 verses this year. 

My current verse is Titus 1:2 (NIV)
a faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life, which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time.

I chose this verse, after hearing it used in a sermon on Victory FM (Liberty's radio station 88.3) It spoke to my heart, as I was reminded that God's promises, all of them are true.  My faith and hope is based on truth.  Truth that was established before time began. 

And, this isn't it people.  Eternal life- now that's what I'm talking about. 

In the last week, two precious ladies I was blessed to know died. 
Sweet Etholene was in her 80's, and Kathy was, well most of us would say too young to die.  Both impacted  my life in different ways, but what was the same was their love and hope and faith in God's promises.  And, knowing there was more to live for than just this life- the hope of eternal life.  They both loved God- you knew it when you were with them- even when they weren't speaking because His love radiated in their lives and on their faces. 

God used both of them in my life, and I know hundreds of other lives as well. 
They stood on God's promises and they are both in His presence.
I'm standing on God's promises and hoping for that day.

What are you standing on?