Thursday, September 23, 2010

heartbreak on a Thursday morning

This mommy's heart just breaks for my Elijah. 
Mornings are always tough for us.  Even more now that he is in school and there is a school bus to catch.  Time is set, there is no give.  Teaching natural consequences is never easy for any parent/child learning.  It just seems so difficult since cause-and-affect doesn't mean anything to him. 

He is caught somewhere between his past and present.  I so wish he could be free of the fears that continue to control him, although his conscience is unaware. The fears that are not visible to most, especially because they remain hidden behind his beautiful, infectious smile. 

It hurts me to watch him struggle.  I want him to be free, whole and happy.  We have a long road.

So, our mornings are shaping up to be a routine of a tug of war- not with ropes or toys but with his precious 5 year old body, an exhausting exchange for both of us; but apparently necessary for me to prove to him that I, his mommy is in control of his world and he is free to just be a little boy.  He fights against it so hard.  He must be in control- or so he believes in his subconsciousness, since that is what he learned early on, it was his survival and those fears are not easily replaced. 

At least we are giving our neighbors something to talk about... oh, I can imagine the judgements being made on what they think they are seeing. 

I wish it were easy. I wish I could forget school and work and the demands of life itself, and just hold him, forever and give him a secure place 24/7. I'd settle, these days to just have a morning of putting my precious one on the bus with a happy face instead of tear stained cheeks. His, and mine.

The world tells us there is no hope, it is too late for this little one and this will never change. I admit, there are days I get sucked into the hopelessness of the struggles.  Then, I remember who God is!  I know he can do what He says and I'm choosing to believe God can, and will do a miracle in his little mind, body and soul.  My hope is in the Lord!

Romans 5:5 (NAS)
"and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

1 comment:

  1. I'm praying for Elijah right now! - - and I'll be praying for you next :) Love you!


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