Thursday, September 23, 2010

heartbreak on a Thursday morning

This mommy's heart just breaks for my Elijah. 
Mornings are always tough for us.  Even more now that he is in school and there is a school bus to catch.  Time is set, there is no give.  Teaching natural consequences is never easy for any parent/child learning.  It just seems so difficult since cause-and-affect doesn't mean anything to him. 

He is caught somewhere between his past and present.  I so wish he could be free of the fears that continue to control him, although his conscience is unaware. The fears that are not visible to most, especially because they remain hidden behind his beautiful, infectious smile. 

It hurts me to watch him struggle.  I want him to be free, whole and happy.  We have a long road.

So, our mornings are shaping up to be a routine of a tug of war- not with ropes or toys but with his precious 5 year old body, an exhausting exchange for both of us; but apparently necessary for me to prove to him that I, his mommy is in control of his world and he is free to just be a little boy.  He fights against it so hard.  He must be in control- or so he believes in his subconsciousness, since that is what he learned early on, it was his survival and those fears are not easily replaced. 

At least we are giving our neighbors something to talk about... oh, I can imagine the judgements being made on what they think they are seeing. 

I wish it were easy. I wish I could forget school and work and the demands of life itself, and just hold him, forever and give him a secure place 24/7. I'd settle, these days to just have a morning of putting my precious one on the bus with a happy face instead of tear stained cheeks. His, and mine.

The world tells us there is no hope, it is too late for this little one and this will never change. I admit, there are days I get sucked into the hopelessness of the struggles.  Then, I remember who God is!  I know he can do what He says and I'm choosing to believe God can, and will do a miracle in his little mind, body and soul.  My hope is in the Lord!

Romans 5:5 (NAS)
"and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Thankful Tuesdays... the first of many

I guess I could be called copy-cat on this one, but it is a great idea.  So, starting today I hope to take Tuesday's each week and list a few things I'm thankful for.  Don't look for great sprirituality or specific themes- I'll just be sharing random things each week. 

Today, I am thankful for:

  • the Rockly Mountain Chocolate Factory Cookies and CreamApple I had for lunch
  • not getting rear-ended at the downtown stoplight, especially since the lady stopped with less than 1/2 in between us
  • that God gave me the strength this morning to be stronger than Elijah in getting him successfully on the school bus - and that my neighbors didn't comment on our obvious struggle
  • my brother in law, Dale came through 5bypass open heart surgery well today
  • that sometime before next Tuesday, I should get to see the ocean on our weekend get-a-way to visit family in NJ... and for Teri & Aunt Nae who are watching my little guys.
  • my sister who gave me this idea
what 'ya thankful for today?

Monday, September 20, 2010

RAD + SPD = T I R E D momma

Ok, I promised myself I would do better about regular blogging but the first day of my promise I find myself very tired, and a bit whiny.  Isaiah didn't go to bed until around midnight or so; Elijah was waking me up with bad dreams around 3am- the alarm went off at 5am.. and so our day officially began.  Tonight, has just been one of those nights.  The kind that I question everything, and wonder will it ever get better.  One of those nights that reality crashes in all around me, reminding me that there is no EASY.   One of those nights, where it seems that we are two steps forward, three backwards.

Our kids thrive on and desperately need routine.  The same thing over and over any variance,brings great frustrations and usually leave us exasperated.   We varied from our bedtime routine recently and now there isn't a routine.  Aye, Aye, Aye!   Now Shayne, he was easy. 

I know what you are thinking- I hear it spoken frequently...
You asked for it.
I warned you.
I told you that this wasn't a good idea.

I try not to take offense to such comments.  I know it comes from a lack of understanding of what our world is really like.  And so, while yes, I am whining it just goes to show how much I trust my electronic world to let it all out.  Please don't mistake my whining for regret.  I wouldn't un-do any of the decisions that have brought us to where we are today; but that doesn't mean it is easy.

And, that means that daily we are dealing full force with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) for Elijah; and Sensory Perceptive Disorder+ for Isaiah- among other things and sometimes we just get tired.  Sometimes it feels lonely.  Sometimes it just helps to vent - Whine a bit if you will.

See there, I'm feeling better already.  And, since Shayne is hovering begging for the laptop and they are actually sleeping, I'm going to call it a night and try to grab some sleep before the foxes start chasing Isaiah or the bears get to Elijah....

Thanking God his mercies are new every morning!

Sunday, September 19, 2010



Love them.  Love worship.  Love Praise and Worship music.  Love sitting next to my husband hand in hand as we learn more about our God. 

But, getting to the church usually entails frantic, frustrated and furious (yep, just keeping it real) adults and sometimes kids too. 

As I said to Rex this morning after dropping the last child off in his class, "I feel like I've ran a marathon"

so, I am definitely enjoying the new twist on Sunday afternoon's in our home since Anna came into our lives.  Instead of a big lunch out, and then grabbing whatever in the evening- we've flip-flopped.  We're grabbing a sandwich or whatever after church for lunch and coming home.  And, I'm actually cooking the Sunday dinners I hear others talk about, and have always been a little jealous of.

Right now- my house is calm and relaxed. - It's true.. pick your jaw up off the floor.

Shayne and Anna are watching a movie on ABC Family- in my living room.  I hear laughter.  I like seeing so much of my son's face.  I like Anna's face too.

Elijah & Isaiah are napping.  I hear nothing.  I like hearing nothing from their room during nap time.

Rex just woke up from a nap. I like Rex napping- makes him happy- happy Rex = happy me. 

I have been able to pay bills on-line, pick up some miscellaneous toys and books, do a load of laundry, clean off my kitchen counters and am actually multi-tasking now as I blog and cook Sunday dinner. 

After dinner- everyone in the house, except for this momma is heading back to church- InsideOut youth group, Cubbies & Sparks.  Sunday night is my "alone time"

Simplicity is good. 

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Estate Sale...

We woke up at 6:30 with lots of people outside our house.  The people didn't bother us, they did however bother our puppy.  Bark, Bark, Bark.

At this very moment- there are 25 cars in my cul-de-sac.       Why?

An estate sale at the house next door.  I was pretty excited for a couple of reasons.  First, curiosity has been getting the best of me since we moved here the end of January.  I wanted to see inside this house that seemed so mysterious.  Secondly, we are in search of a new headboard, bed frame so I was hoping to get lucky.  - note -this is a figure of speech, I KNOW that God is in control :) and there is no such thing as luck)

From what we know, the mother and father who once owned the house are both deceased, he died a year or so ago, she died shortly after.  The daughter, who never moved out was recently "kicked out" by her other sister.  A family feud is in full swing. 

Rex and I headed next door. This was my first estate sale.  I learned very quickly they are different than yard sales, and shopping at the Goodwill.  Basically, most of the items for sale were in the same place they were a few months ago.  Clothes in the closet, pictures on the walls, dishes in the cabinets.  Linen closets full of sheets and towels, paperclips and new boxes of staples in the desk.  Couch in the same spot- only difference is that it was now displaying a hand written sign, SOfA 100-

I walked through the first time and looked simply for the bed.. no luck.  Oh well  We began to wander through the house and look at the other items. 

I stood in the master closet, just looking.  I thought I might find some gold slippers for my mother-in-law.    The little man next to me, who needed a bath- which is really irrelevant-anyway, he was trying on suit coats and sizing pants that still hung on the hanger.  I was enjoying looking at the things I wouldn't buy but was intrigued with.  Like the cocktail purses.  One silver, one black, one white. All three with the tiny little chain neatly tucked inside.  She was ready for any occasion. And the dinner gloves, one pair, white with beautiful little pearls that would cover to her wrist, and then the longer, simple ivory pair to the elbow.  Lots of "walking" shoes. 

A hand painted portrait of their three daughters still hung on the wall.  A box, in the bedroom contained multiple brass frames, all with family photos still peeking out from the glass.  Tossed into the box, obviously no longer wanted or special - .25 cents apiece.  

I couldn't help but notice the little oak frame next to the closet in the office holding a hand-cross-stitched little quote.....
"If a Mother's place is in the Home, why am I always in the Car?" 

From walking through this house, we could discern that he worked for the railroad.  She knitted and sewed.  One or both of them painted- lots of paint by numbers sets.  Some yet to be touched, some completed.   They enjoyed working puzzles- LOTS of puzzles.  I imagined the hours and hours spent on the hobbies.   It appeared she enjoyed cooking- even her spice rack was for sale.  She had all the fun kitchen appliances- an egg cooker, George Foreman, Blender, some things I didn't even know what they did.  We could also tell they owned cats.  No offense to my cat loving friends, but if my immediate allergic reaction wasn't telling enough, the unique "odor" was.  OH, where is my Benadryl?

Now there are 31 cars in my cul-de-sac. 

As I walked through the house, checking sheets for sizes, looking at the paintings, reading the certificates of accomplishment, I was reminded, and a little saddened to think that what was once so important and precious to these people, is now just stuff.  Stuff that strangers are rummaging through and deciding for themselves which of it is worthy of parting with their own dollars to take, to one day be rummaged through by other strangers.

Ok, I must confess that while we didn't find our bed we did purchase a few items ourselves:

a Lane solid wood dresser
a set of TV tables
a unique set of measuring cups
and an always useful Pyrex serving dish with a lid!    
Grand total- none of your business.....
I'm just kidding $31 

And, in love for my children who will one day have to deal with our stuff, we walked away from several other items that we liked, but just didn't need. 

Current count in cul-de-sac.... 33!  We do love stuff, don't we.

Psalm 39:4-7 (NLV)

"Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.  Remind me that my days are numbered and that my life is fleeing away.... human existence is but a breath.  We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing.  We heap up wealth for someone else to spend.  And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?  My only hope is in you."

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


Elijah earned a special reward this week.  For being good at school all week (not an easy task for my little guy) he chose to have a friend come home from church with him for the afternoon. One of my fave memories of childhoood revolved around taking extra clothes to church, going home with a friend, eating lunch and then playing outside until time to change back into our "sunday" clothes and go back to church for Sunday night services. 

Elijah's guest of choice- Cameron.  No naps this week- it's big boy Sunday. 

Elijah & Cameron

Boys for one, get two free:)

so, what would Sunday afternoon dinner be without cake? 

don't touch...

okay, so that's the play... moving on to the Date.    

Yes indeed, Shayne has a girlfriend, who also spent the afternoon with us.  It was nice.  She is sweet, mannerly and cute as a button.  (I'm sure this is not a teen approved description; but, appropriate for someone my age.  Sigh, I am told that I am 10 years older than her momma, flashback to Elijah's Kindergarten orientation a few months ago- now I am an older parent of my teenager too.  How did this happen?  I must start working out and researching botox- ha!  


Back to topic-
She came for dinner and can I say she loved my BBQ chicken (scoring points).  She stayed and went to youth group with Shayne.  I like her.  Shayne really likes her.  

I have been forbidden to post pictures- sorry Meemaw!

Looks like I'm going to have to practice what I preach, and learn to share- Really? 

I am open to advice from all you moms of teenage boys who have survived, because I know in my heart that this is the one more step in the process of letting go.  Regardless of what happens, I am figuring out that  I can no longer control or protect him in the way I have grown accustomed.  This new territory. I am feeling out of sorts!   

As "strange" as I am feeling,  I have to admit I am enjoying the conversations and the never ending smile that has once again found his face. 

Stay tuned for more .... I have a feeling I will have lots of blogging material in the near future.  

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Happy Birthday Mom!

My mom is on vacation this week, so there was no dropping off a card and giving hugs today.  I did send her a message but haven't yet heard back from her.  How rude :)

When I think about my mom, I think about how much she has overcome in her life.  She didn't have it as easy as many.  Her mother disappeared when she was very young- I believe if memory serves me correctly it was right around her 6th birthday.  No one knows exactly what happened to my grandmother, although there are lots of speculations that I won't share here. 

My mom was raised by her dad and her grandparents.  The constant moving and circumstances of her childhood and early adult years provided very limited contact with her sister Mary, and no contact with her other sister, Linda. Eventually my grandfather remarried, but much like his parenting, my grandparents were never hands-on, or really even involved in our lives.  I can count on one hand the number of times I remember visiting with them over the years.  I have always been a little jealous of people with doting grandparents who ooh and aah over them, and buy them shoes. 

My mom married my daddy, and they later divorced in 1978.  She was a single mom, trying to get my sister, brother and me to responsible adulthood.  She sometimes worked as many as 3 jobs to keep food on the table.  It wasn't easy- she sacrificed alot. And, if I do say so myself, she did a pretty good job.  We're all grown up now, and blessed to have added Larry into our lives.  I am so thankful that he loves my momma!

Keith, Mom, Larry, Me & Renee

Several years ago,  I believe God's grace, and perfect timing brought a very surprising phone call.  My Aunt Linda had found my mother-- initially, the communication was short and sweet but it didn't take long for the sisters to become friends, and sisters in every sense of the word.  They are so much alike it is fun to be around them and watch them.  It is a sweet, sweet relationship- and that makes my mom being on vacation, with her sister, Linda so special.  So, while it isn't such a big deal that she is on vacation- that she is on vacation with Linda is actually a really big deal. So, I don't mind sharing her today.  I know she is enjoying the best gift she could have, hanging out with her sister - her friend.  

Aunt Linda- if you by chance ever read this, I'm so glad you found us.  You have brought great joy into our lives and we love you.

Mom, I just want you to know that I've thought about you all day today.  I am proud of you.  You have done a great job loving us through difficult circumstances, and more than anything for showing us God's love;  teaching and training us in God's word.

Renee, Mom and Me

I love you much and am not bitter that you went to the beach without me- really. 


Saturday, September 4, 2010

You just never know...

what imaginative things little people are going to come up with. 

We were getting ready to go to Thunder Valley today to celebrate Phillip's birthday.  Isaiah decided he needed his nylon sports backpack just like his older brother and his friends were carrying.  The big guys fit clothes, cell phones, money, sunglasses, whatever they need into their bags.  Isaiah decided he just needed his super hero friends.  He proudly came into the bathroom where I was getting ready to go, sat down on the floor and began to show me all his friends who would accompany him to Thunder Valley.

Incredible Hulk- check
Batman- check
Fiona (Shrek's woman) - check
Buzz Lightyear- check

He threw his friends into his backpack and off we went.
Fast forward a couple of hours to Thunder Valley. At this point, the poor backpack has been slammed, dropped and drug along the way. No big deal, I knew Batman could handle the roughness of my little one, I just hoped Incredible Hulk didn't get too mad.

So, you can imagine my uneasiness when I rounded the corner to see the line-up of friends Isaiah was happily playing with.

Poor Fiona was left laying on the bathroom floor, and in her place were 3 of my willow tree angels.

And I learned today, that these are some tough angels- not a lost wing nor a broken head.  Maybe Willow Tree needs Isaiah to do a quality assurance commercial for them.  Anyway, we all got a good laugh.

And apparently,  Isaiah thinks every super hero should have his own angel :)

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