Saturday, July 24, 2010

Hearts Desires & Baby Bob

Ok, so if you are reading this, I am assuming you know and (love?) our family.  I don't think strangers care much about my blog.  I try to be honest but careful with what I put out here.  But, since this is where I kind of pour out my heart sometimes, I am going out on a limb and writing about Baby Bob.

(note- baby Bob is an assumed identity- sex and name of baby remains unknown to us at this time)

As with all of our kids, they came with some element of shock and awe.  After 8 years of infertility, finding out I was really pregnant was unbelievable to us, and took until I pushed him out of me to really believe I got to be Mom to a healthy baby boy.  Wanted more babies, but didn't ever think we'd have the opportunity- and then one afternoon about 3:30 pm we got a phone call that forever changed our lives.  This is where I got to become Mom to Elijah & Isaiah. 

I had a hysterectomy almost 2 years ago, and grieved because I knew it was closing the door on the possibility of a miracle.  My heart still secretly longs to have another baby.  I don't tell too many people that, because I get the look- the "have you lost your mind, do you know how old you are" look.  It's like my kids with candy- "just one more" is how I feel. 

When I have my secret talks with God (and my husband- he knows too) I pour out my desire to have just one more.  One more chance to love, to nurture, to hold, to smell the sweet, sweet life that only God gives.  And sometimes, HE gives it in situations that do NOT make sense to us.  I dream and pray, but didn't really expect it.

And then it happened.  Yesterday, about 3:00 pm we got another phone call.  Yep, you are smart.  There is a baby, not named yet born 7/22/10 and the caller asks if we are  ARE YOU CRAZY!  YES- we are interested.  I've prayed for this.  Rex and I have waited for this.  YES, YES, YES! 

We are ecstatic- I couldn't help screaming into the phone to everybody I talked to.  Flash back to October 2006.  When can we pick him up, where do we pick him up, do we get to name him?  OM, did we get rid of all the carseats.  Starting from scratch again- and because I have such faith in my prayers, I kept nothing!  I can't share all the details, let's just say I am already connected to this baby.  And as crazy as it sounds, I immediately felt like he's ours. 

But, nothing is simple when you are dealing with CPS/DSS, and people's rights, and judges, and child protective services.  SIGH.  Two hours later and another phone call, Baby Bob is not going to be ours, at  least not today.  Baby Bob is "on hold"  Don't get me started here.. I could go on for hours about the system- they do the best they can but oh, the possibility for improvements.  

Is God teasing me?   I feel like my baby is all alone and needs me, but I can't get to him.  I am sure that all my friends who have adopted internationally can identify with me here. 

He is on my mind, 24/7 now.  What does he look like?  Is his hair soft like Isaiah's or tight like Elijah's. 

I am praying for him- praying he gets lots of love and nurture.  Praying he is going to be fed and diapered- that he leaves the hospital in a car seat and has a home to go to and not a shelter.  Praying for clear direction for the professionals who have very difficult decisions to make.  Praying that while baby Bob is on hold, he is protected and safe; knowing that every single day that lacks security and nurture makes a huge difference in how he handles his future. 

Parenting is tough for everybody.  But foster parenting- adoption is definitely not for wimps.  You must have a tender, compassionate heart, and a heart of steele.  You must be willing to change you entire life with a phone call, and then revert back as if the phone call never took place. 

I've already gotten the look, and comments in jest that we are insane.  You might be right- as I tried to get my pre-schooler dressed in the "family locker room" this afternoon- I was wondering if the people outside could hear Isaiah screaming because his shirt had a pocket, the hand dryer was too loud and the floor was wet.  Elijah trying to be the daddy- and me just trying to get my "big girl panties" on so I could get out of there.  I wondered how I would handle that with a newborn in tow.  This insane momma would handle it like so many before me- with a smile and a grateful heart that God had entrusted me with another one of his precious children to love on for however long his plan allows. 

I have no idea what the next day, week, month, year will look like for our family and baby Bob.  I do know that baby Bob belongs to God, so that gives this anxious heart peace. 

Just don't be surprised if we show up with a newborn, and try to understand me, if I am sad because we don't. 

Praying baby Bob is home soon!

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