Thursday, December 31, 2020


One year ago today I posted a title to capture the date 12/31. I fully planned to come back and write about the seasons of life from 2010- the end of 2019. 

The 5ALLENZ had been through some stuff in that decade, stuff that I felt left us in a pretty good spot; our family had been through enough so surely, we would get a break.  

But, with the ringing in of 2020 the excitement of a new year turned quickly into more grief. This momma’s worst nightmare came to be a reality. 

I was left unable to do what I do when I need to process pain-talk it out and write it down.

It doesn’t matter what it was- we all have our worst nightmares and mine is probably different than yours. What matters is that the news ripped through our family like a steak knife through butter and left a path of destruction and shredded hearts. Think about your worst nightmare? Would it rock your faith? Would you turn from God or run to Him? 

So that space created for all the words- became nothing more than a placeholder. Empty and meaninglessness- just a catchy title with no substance. 

Our Pastor has been an amazing support for us this year.  Speaking hard truth over us. No sugar coating the burdens we brought- and one of the most precious pieces of advice he gave us- was to trust the process. Be silent. Trust God and trust the process. And always, always pointing us to scripture.  It was not coincidence that we read through the Bible this year as a church body. 

If you don’t have a godly, truth speaking, burden bearing and joy sharing pastor- I encourage you to get one. I just happen to know one and can connect you. 😉

A few months ago, I stood in my kitchen with my son trying to explain the unexplainable- to make sense of the senseless. To be all that he needed me to be and failing.  

I don’t know why obedience has led to so much pain and destruction- or why it has been so hard. But, what I do know is that I am not who I was 13 years ago. I don’t want to be  that person anymore, that one who had made an idol of her family and didn’t recognize her desperate need to own her helplessness before Jesus. 

Don’t we tend to think we can do it without Him? No, just me?   

That post, from 12/31/2019 is still nothing more than a title. It is also symbolic of my heart. A placeholder for frustration, pride, fear, anger, control - things that take up space but leave us feeling empty. What is taking up space in your heart?

2021 is a clean slate for new beginnings, priorities and focus. 

Maybe your placeholder is all good and healthy things, but I suspect we all have some things that need to go. 

I’m making space for renewed hope, total dependence on my good, good Father and believing that no matter how broken and face down in the dust that I come to Jesus- He is the lifter of my head. In His time and way, He will take what Satan means for evil and work it for our good. 

So, this the last post for 5ALLENZ. In 2021 you’ll find me writing at I hope you will pull up a rocking chair and join me there for faith, hope and reminders of new mercies every day.

Thank you for following me and listening as I’ve shared our adoption journey and poured out my heart. I’m so ready for 2021 and what our futures bring. 

Happy New Year! 

Always hope, my friends.  

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