And, when my parents' divorce became part of my story, I dreamed of having a normal family. Whatever that meant.
I poured my hope into writing poetry. I poured my hurts into writing poetry. I dreamed of happy days. I dreamed of motherhood and marriage. I feared my dreams would never come true.
I would day-dream of rising early, preparing breakfast for my man, getting our 12 children off to school and volunteering at hospitals, baking cookies and cleaning house. I never dreamed of a career. My dreams were always at home.
Fast forward- to college drop-out days, remembering career was not important. I came home and met the man of my dreams. We wed, nearly 25 years ago.
But my dreams, turned into nightmares. 12 babies did not come. Eight years of infertility before finally conceiving and birthing a son.
I dreamed of staying home with my son. God said not now!
That dream is still being dreamed.
They are always on my mind- whether I'm at work or at home.
I whined to God. In 2006, I had been directing women's ministry, teaching and speaking and desperately wanted to be home full time. Again, He said not now. I resigned from women's ministry, and from my dreams as we took on chaos and received two more our our desperately desired dozen. Not as we dreamed, but as God designed.
No longer dreams of "normal" family.
No longer dreams of hospital volunteering, tho' my nightstand may resemble one.
(by the way, the meds are for menopause- never in my dreams!)
I now volunteer to learn about my the struggles of my children's past, and future. I'm learning about attachment disorders, post-traumatic stress, SPD, IEP, child neglect and abuse, the circle of security, fight or flight. And teenagers. Control! Control! Control!
And in my dreams, I hear God.
I hear Him tell me that my obedience is better. Better than what I may have dreamed as a little girl. And when I listen carefully, He whispers be still. Come to Me. I will carry you. I will be your strength. I will be your strong tower. I will be your hope. I will be!
I still dream of becoming that Proverbs 31 lady. I dream of speaking and writing and sharing my dreams, ever changing dreams of being all that God desires of me to be. New dreams, different dreams of being a wife, mommy, daughter, sister, and friend. Oh, and yes, career. I still dream of being worth more than rubies.
But if, or when the dreams I dream ever come to be, really matter not. I believe God.
That His ways are not mine. His plans are better.
I challenge you to dream God dreams for your life! And if you do, She Speaks Conference is a place for you. It's about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God and that your heart is to serve Him and His daughters, as He leads.
She Speaks only because He Speaks!
And for those of you who know about Multitude Monday and Ann's blog- find out about scholarship opportunity to She Speaks by clicking below.